Eight Steps to Personal Change
Introduction
Personal change can play out like a Hollywood movie. It can be a badly written, poorly directed, B rated flick with massive amounts of chaos during production. Or it can be an Oscar winning feature film produced with a well defined process while bringing out the best in everyone involved in the production. Every significant personal or organizational change generates a real life story. We can learn valuable lessons from each of these unique change experiences.
This is my personal story of becoming visually challenged to the severest degree. In other words I became totally blind. But this story is primarily focused on transitioning to the final stage of the blindness. That last stage where I was seeing the last of everything, the last image of my lovely wife’s face, the last snap shot of my children’s smiles, the last sunrise and the last sunset. There were a lot of lasts in the process plus a few hidden tears!
That final chapter in my vision loss process was painful and frustrating. However there were many hidden treasures awaiting me. I just was not aware of them at the time. I had to go through the entire change process. Progressing all the way through the process; taking and enduring every step, learning from the highs and the lows and finally emerging a better person for the experience. It is very similar within organizational change. Employees must progress through all the steps of the change process resulting in more effective employees and creating a more effective organization in the long run.
I will illustrate eight basic phases or steps within a highly effective change management process; utilizing my personal experience of going blind to exemplify each step. We must proceed through all the steps with no skipping of one or more of these eight critical steps. One may progress rapidly through a particular step or one may linger for a considerable amount of time in one step. One may circle back and proceed through a step again and again or even fall back to previous steps. There is no set formula. However it’s important to experience each step in your own way. At the end of the process, you as a person and your organization will be much better off for completing the entire journey, as I became.
Most people have a tremendous amount of ability and experience in handling personal change. The pace and the degree of change may be different for each person and how we handle it. However we all live with it on a day to day basis. There are two things we as humans can count on: the fact that we will face death and the second, that change is a major part of our life. It is a key component within the cycle of life whether we want to admit it or not. If we do not change we do not grow. Healthy and well adjusted people change. In many cases we change or die, physically or emotionally. Most change can be stimulating. As long as humans have intelligence, there will be change. If humans have wisdom then the majority of change is approached optimistically and turned into a positive experience. And of course, a critical factor in any change is the degree of ownership assumed by those being directly affected.
Ownership
The overall effectiveness of each change process can be greatly increased by this degree of personal ownership. Early in the change process, anyone who is able to assume as much ownership as possible is well on their way. This is extremely difficult to do in certain situations. However we must try. Taking as much ownership as humanly possible of one, two or all of the change dimensions is essential; whether it be the pace, depth, breadth or sustainability of the change.
For our personal lives, we must attempt to make decisions on the pace of change. Depth we will go to. Breadth we will take on and finally, how sustainable the change will be. Will it be a short, mid or long term change? In an organization the decision on the pace, depth, breadth and sustainability go a long way to determining the approach. As in our personal life, being realistic is critical in tackling any situation. In some cases the degree of the dimension is dictated by circumstance and not under our direct control, e.g. I was not planning on going totally blind. Figure 1 illustrates an overview of a change model utilizing the earth as an analogy indicating the four key dimensions for any change situation.
Figure 1 Change Dimensions
Tossing the ownership ball to anyone who will catch it is a definite urge we must resist. Total blindness had me wanting to pass the ownership for my plight to any who would take it. An urge that was difficult to fight for myself and those providing support. As one progresses through the steps in the change process their degree of ownership should be continually increasing. Then one knows that one is on the right track.
Overview of Change Management Process
The way we respond to change is very dependent on whether we perceive it as a positive or negative change. If the change is perceived as negative we tend to go through the following responses or phases. When I went totally blind I perceived it as a definite negative change. We start with perceived stability in our life or work environment. Then we proceed to immobilization where we simply are unable to do certain things e.g. what is happening to me. Next is denial where we believe that it is not going to happen or affect us e.g. not me. Then comes to anger when we start to react with: why is this happening to me or why are they doing this to me e.g. why me, I am not going to take this. The next phase is bargaining when we try getting ourselves out of the situation e.g. please not to me. Followed by depression where we simply feel down about the change, e.g. I am not going to do anything. Then comes testing where we kind of try on the change, e.g. maybe I will try this a bit. Finally comes acceptance where we are ready to live with the change e.g. I am going to make this change work for me. (Figure 2)
Figure 2 Phases of Change Perceived as Negative
Perceived Stability
The eye specialist had stated; “The worst is over. You will not lose any more of your sight. This is as bad as it will get.”
I believed him. I desperately wanted the doctor to be right. Doing everything in my power to make it happen. I took special vitamins, wore sun glasses to protect my eyes and avoided straining my failing eyes where ever possible. I was very positive in my approach. I even denied the fact that my sight was continuing to decrease. Had lulled myself into a false sense of security. But my worst fear was unfolding.
I did lose all my vision. I became totally blind. The most difficult aspect of going totally blind is losing that last bit of vision. This had a dramatic affect on my mobility, functionality and perceived quality of life. I had managed to adjust to the changes as my sight was diminishing, however this final stage had shaken my stability. My world would never be the same. And most concerning to those who loved me was that I was losing my confidence to move forward.
Immobilization
What do I do? Just performing basic functions seemed like a major effort or challenge. When placing a pot on the stove I burnt myself. Then saying, “There’s no way I am coming near this stove!”
I walked into my share of objects as I learned to utilize a white cane. I was previously a fast walker. Had to learn to slow down or I would seriously hurt myself. I could not cut the lawn any more. I could not see the TV screen even when right up close. I could no longer play certain sports with my kids. The list went on and on. I wanted to surrender. I kept wondering; why even make the effort?
New and embarrassing situations were unfolding for me. Once I gained my confidence back I could laugh at these predicaments. However not at first since it was a great loss of self-esteem. Some examples: the first time I wore two different colored socks, talking to someone who has already left the room, knocking over a glass of something on the table, accidentally walking into people, walls or even walking into the ladies washroom.
In and around the same time as these situations were unfolding I ruptured two discs in my back. I believe the stress of the final vision loss had put a definite strain on my back and it blew out. Between being blind and laid up with a useless back I began to frequently doubt myself. I remember feeling very sad as I put the golf clubs away; thinking that I would never swing them again. I was throwing in the towel. Thinking why bother. I was making jokes about being a blind cripple. But inside I was not joking. I was giving up on life at a subconscious level.
Denial
Many times I thought “This is not really happening to me.” Other times thinking that there will be some medical breakthrough and my vision would be restored. That was very foolish on my part. The eye conditions I am afflicted with will never be fixed as there are multiple and irreversible medical problems with my eyes.
On other occasions, I acted as if nothing had changed. Attempting to continue all sorts of activities I previously performed. It just frustrated me even more. I was not acknowledging the reality I was in. Hoping that this nightmare would end.
Anger
I got mad. Took it out on those I love. I still feel terrible for that and am sincerely sorry. My wonderful wife and kids were patient and extremely supportive. They coached me through this phase. I was still lashing out however. Angry with the world and the cards that I had been dealt. The “why did this happen to me?” was continually running through my mind. Thought I had been dealt more than my share of bad luck.
With the love and support of my immediate family and friends I began to feel the anger subside. I was learning to talk openly about my feelings. Learning to laugh at myself and the blindness was a critical component within this phase. I was learning to accept that I could count on others. I did not have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Bargaining
Okay I am not done yet started going through my thoughts. There has to be a way out. This step in the process was filled with hope and disappointment. That new medical break through which I was desperately searching for, researching every avenue. Trying to maintain the status quo. Thinking I could still do it all. Negotiate my way out of this predicament. I was avoiding the inevitable.
I attempted some “off the wall” method for restoring vision. It was ludicrous. However I insisted on trying. Two weeks of intense pain and absolutely no improvement to my vision. It was great to have that fighting spirit. However that fighting spirit was interfering with my happiness. It had become an obstacle in progressing to the next step. Till it hit me that this was for real and I was totally blind and had to face the fact. I finally gave up the bargaining and said to myself while the tear was slipping from my eye. “I really am blind and that’s how it will always be.” That led to the next phase, depression.
Depression
Poor me! That’s what I felt. I wanted to give up. I was also dealing with a “C” scare which compounded the situation. More bad luck I thought. How could this happen to me. I needed more sleep. I caught more bugs. I lacked energy. But I went on, putting on a brave face. My inner sadness and worry was so apparent to others. This journey of total blindness was wearing me down. I would become lethargic and get down on myself on various occasions.
A permanent disability can wreak havoc on your confidence. Going blind did that to me. As my confidence decreased, I became depressed. This is where the support of my wife and children paid huge dividends. Having a solid support system is critical in all phases, especially in this phase. My wonderful family and friends supported me the entire way. However, most importantly, to that point where I would take ownership myself. Able to take charge and take back control of my life.
The most important thing in this step was deciding that this was not the way it should be. This was not the way I wanted it. This is not who I am. I was not going to let my disability define me.
Testing
It was time to take some small steps forward. That meant taking some positive actions. Time to test the waters. Time to begin the process of gaining some of that lost confidence and gaining some of that lost control.
There was a whole new world to be tested. I still had four senses to gain incredible enjoyment from. However I had to tackle the world with a refreshing new approach. Do things differently. I may fail or falter at times. And I certainly did. But I rose back up and tried again. I had spent a tremendous amount of time worrying and focusing on my vision. I did not realize the wonderful treasures the other senses had to offer.
So I began utilizing those precious senses more effectively, such as learning to play the piano. The music was so much sweeter now that I really listened and felt it. It was difficult at first to learn without sight. However the notes and songs came. The enjoyment of the others senses really started to kick in. Learning to listen to the birds. Distinguishing the various birds by sounds. Learning the power in touch through basic Braille. Braille is a series of raised dots which enables the blind to feel and read. I remember the first time I utilized Braille in public. By accident I had set a heavy object on my notes the day before. Then pulling them out, ready to show off. I had flattened the dots.
I took the time to enjoy the various tastes the world has to offer. Although few of those tastes were created by myself as my culinary skills have not progressed to any extent. But I definitely enjoy other people’s flavorful cooking! Enjoying a walk around the neighborhood with just me and my white cane. Enjoying the various fragrances given off by nature. I also remember the last walk I took without a white cane when I had minimal vision. That was quite scary and I had to overcome my fear. And I did.
I was truly making progress. This new awareness and success was giving me confidence to attempt other challenges such as tackling new chores around the house (although not my favorite activity). My confidence as a blind person was beginning to grow. There was hope to still live a great life.
Acceptance
With this new found confidence I had strength to proceed. The strength to discover and embrace a new world which was very exciting even in the dark. This new world was opening up through other senses that were magnificent. While I had sight I never attained the same depth of use of these marvelous senses as I do now that I am blind.
I discovered new areas of learning, personal growth and enjoyment. Soon that permanent smile that I was known for over all those years returned to my face. I embraced new challenges: became a better husband, father and friend. A new energy erupted within me which has me tackling everything from martial arts to poetry, from lawn bowling to writing. The list goes on and I even started to swing the golf clubs again.
I had accepted the blindness. I felt total ownership for myself and proactively took actions to successfully complete the change process. Accepting life and all its splendor. I savor everyday, every sound, every touch, every taste and every smell. I feel so very blessed. Feeling so very lucky to have a caring family and friends. Having special people who loved and cared enough to help me through the change. And wish all changes could be this enlightening. I emerged out of the change process with a whole new appreciation for life.
Conclusion
What was the key? It was ensuring all eight steps in the change process were truly experienced as well as having an incredibly strong support system. There were no short cuts. There were no skipped steps. However there must be determination to genuinely reach that final step; acceptance. Then with a high degree of personal ownership taking additional actions to carry one to effective completion of the change process. That determination means openly dealing with and overcoming short term pain and challenges. Never giving up. Trusting the process and one’s self. Knowing that in the long run the rewards are well worth the effort.